Why The Hospital Cracks Me Up..Tales of Poop and Trauma




Well, enough mindless chatter about supplements and all things geeky. It’s time for a little humor. As you may know if you’ve been reading my blog, I work part time in a medical laboratory. That’s right, I touch really gross stuff to find out what ails you. You’re welcome. But sometimes my job leaves me wondering what the heck you’re thinking. To the man who delivered a stool sample in a strawberry yogurt cup, “What’s the thought process there?” Was it “Hey, I’m done with this yogurt..the cup will just go to waste. I think I’ll poop in it.” I wonder if he’s friends with the person who brought the poo in the McDonald’s bag. I guess his Big Mac was clamoring to get out before he could make it home. No, I don’t want fries with that! And then there’s my personal favorite, the guy who brought a semen sample in a butter dish for a sperm count. Awesome! Because I want to suck semen out of a butter dish with a pipette at 8am. I don’t think he should reproduce, do you?


ERAhh, the Emergency Room. Now this is where the true comedy happens in the hospital. Hard to believe, I know, with all that trauma and death going on. But the funniest things always happen here. It’s as if God thought that of all the hospital employees, the ER staff would need the most comic relief.

When a person walks into the ER, the first stop is the registration desk, where they explain in their own words what their chief complaint is. This becomes part of the permanent medical record. Let’s just say, some of these are hysterical, and we keep a list of them taped up in the lab when we need a good laugh. So I’m going to share just a few of these gems with you. Enjoy!

1) spider green (???)

2) patient had a vowel replaced in heart (can I buy an “E” Vanna?)

3) food allergy: doesn’t like tuna

4) non-hodgkinlymphomath fever

5) dehydration and sins

6) left side numb; peed on self

7) shitzophrenia

8) pain in my balls

9) I think I got the smilin’ Mighty Jesus (translated to spinal meningitis)

and..my very favorite

10) from a psych patient: “My landlord put magnets in my floor and now my tits are sagging”

I love my job!


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