I’ve had this post on my mind for a while now, but I’ve really hesitated to commit it to cyberspace. What if one of my kids happens to see this? Oh well, they think I’m much too boring to read my blog anyway, so here goes.
For you ladies who’ve had some involuntary “work” done on your breast region, i.e. mastectomy, you know what I’m talking about when I say that this leaves you feeling about as attractive as John Wayne in a dress and high heels. Tres feminine! Nothing says come hither like a flat, jagged scar where your boob used to be. And if you’ve had chemo, you have the added bonus of premature balding, or worse, the mangy dog look with patches missing here and there. Throw in a big helping of nausea and hot flashes, and we have a recipe for “Fifty Shades of Grey”, the grey of acute poisoning.
Despite all this, I have been able to muster some sexual desire here and there, on my “off weeks”. But I am still not quite to the point where I feel comfortable parading around nude in the broad daylight. I can just imagine my husband thinking to himself “If I close my eyes and concentrate, I can make her Jennifer Aniston, I know I can”. I realize, of course that this is all in my own head. My husband has been very accepting of my altered femininity, much to his credit. But, to protect my own dignity, I have worn a lacy purple tank top each time we’ve been intimate since my surgery. Funny thing is, I never wear this any other time. It just sits in the drawer, waiting for sex.
It never occurred to me that I have been conditioning my husband like one of Pavlov’s dogs for the past 3 months. One beautiful warm day last week I was looking for something to wear out in the garden. I pulled open the drawer and there it was, looking so pitiful, almost begging me to wear it. I grabbed the purple tank and slipped it on. My husband walked in and his eyes kind of glazed over. He immediately locked the door and went to brush his teeth. I was confused for just a minute, and then I realized what was going on. Purple shirt…must have sex. We laughed, and I swore I heard the faint sound of a bell ringing in the distance…